I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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