i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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