I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
