i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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