PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
