I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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