yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
