remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
