ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
