i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
