I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
