Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
