btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
