I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
