Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Tell her she can't have a vagina
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
