Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
