You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
