i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
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Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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