Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
