Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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