im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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