he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize