My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Rumble strips road head = magical
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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