I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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