I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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