Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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