One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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