I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
