You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
