Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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