i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
