We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
