I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
