I don't usually arrange sex via text message
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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