Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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