guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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