It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
