Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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