got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
