Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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