"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
why do cheetos always look like penises
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
