she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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