You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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