upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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