I wannas sexs uuuuu
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
