I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
