Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Randomize
