Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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