i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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