If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Sorry my hands just texted you
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
