Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Nicole vs. Life
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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