You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
