never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
