seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
