If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
