Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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